This is a guest piece contributed by the lovely Jennifer, who recently launched her own fab blog, Life After Tampons. (So adore that name!)
My goal was to run it yesterday in honor of International Women’s Day, but I’ll be the first to admit I don’t always meet every goal I set. LOL
However, a day late doesn’t always mean a dollar short, so here ’tis my lovelies.
Hope you enjoy and please make Jennifer feel welcome in the comments below.
Have you ever felt like you apologized more than your man?
Or any man, for that matter?
Well, if so, doctoral researcher Karina Schumann of the University of Waterloo just proved you right. She recently completed some pretty interesting research aimed at understanding the gender differences between perceived wrongdoing and rates of apology.
Overall, women DO apologize more than men. But, interestingly, they DON’T apologize at a greater rate. Both men and women apologize about 81% of the times they “think” they are wrong. It’s just that women “think” they are wrong or have been wronged, far more frequently than men do.
This finding passes the “sniff test” if you think back to the last time you were ticked off with a guy you were close to and he didn’t have the First Clue about why you were angry. You saw wrongdoing, and he saw – well he didn’t see a darned thing.
Yep. Research now confirms it — men are better at “shrugging off” things than women.
Okay, now you have a clue about why some of your relationships may have been tricky. BUT, within the parameters of business, this gender difference with respect to apology has REALLY interesting implications.
Because women perceive they do wrong more often than men, and because women are socialized to build and maintain harmony in relationships, it is easy to take on the habit of over-apologizing in your relationships. But here’s the thing, Sweet Cheeks — we do this at the detriment of our business.
Why Being Overly Apologetic Hurts
When you are overly apologetic in the marketplace, you injure your business in three key ways:
You make those around you doubt your competence and ability.
(Are those the same things? ”I’m sorry” if I repeated myself. Tee Hee.)
You position yourself as a victim.
And guess what, buttercup? Victims attract perpetrators. Yep, even in business.
You make others uncomfortable.
When you are wrong, it is important to reposition yourself as a responsible person by apologizing. But when you rehash your mistakes, you make others uncomfortable and put those whom you have harmed in the untenable position of making YOU feel better for wronging them.
Now, let’s be clear, I am NOT saying that you should no longer apologize in business settings. What I AM saying, though, is that it may be time to put your Big Girl Business Panties on and own your space in the marketplace.
In fact, successful women, the ones who OWN their MOJO and Core Business Competencies, never apologize for these 7 things-
When you know who you are and what you bring to the game, you know your value in the marketplace. Stop apologizing for your worth.
One of the best pieces I ever read about pricing, was written by the tremendously successful wordsmith Alexandra Franzen. Take a look at how she came to terms with charging a thousand dollars a day for her work – at the age of 26!!!!
Here’s her piece, “$1000 Dollars a Day? How Dare You!”
Are you smarter than most people about the thing that you do? Flaunt it, baby.
Your customer wants to hook up with the professional who knows more. It makes them feel safer.
Lordy, sweetheart, you have WORKED for it. Own your success. It’s important to celebrate your triumphs.
People need to see you overcoming them, in fact. Own your success in a way that attracts people who are happy for you and that want to celebrate in your joy. Stay away from those who will bring you down.
Taking Up Space
Are you “larger than life?” I am. But it took me nearly 50 years to own it. I kept claiming smallness because I was afraid I would alienate people.
But guess what?
Those who love me, love me no matter now “big” my work becomes. Only small people want to keep other people small.
Some women work so hard they literally put off bodily functions in the name of over-production. When have you known a man to be so busy he doesn’t have time for a pee break? That’s right, love.
It just doesn’t happen.
Stop apologizing for your needs. Game Changers need even greater levels of emotional, physical, and spiritual sustenance than others. Lean into your humanity. It is your strength, baby, not your weakness.
How did it become socially unacceptable to want things? If you’re all into an ascetic lifestyle that’s fine, I suppose. But you don’t need to apologize for wanting things, either.
And I’m not talking about just the whozits and whatnots that come with a fat checkbook. It’s okay to want recognition, and respect, and admiration, too. Life is too short to engage in internally dishonesty.
If you can’t admit your wants to others, at least admit them to yourselves. Otherwise, what are you working so darn hard for?
To Be Liked
Many women apologize too often because they want to stay in everyone’s good graces. Here I think the men have the winning ticket. Women may be socialized to hold relationships together, but if you’ve lived any time at all, you KNOW that some relationships need to just Be Gone. And fast.
Stop apologizing just to keep the peace.
When you do this you sacrifice internal harmony for THE PERCEPTION of external accord. Again, the people who love you (and the clients you most want) won’t look for you to shoulder all the blame in your relationships.
The next time you find yourself apologizing for something, try pausing first. Take a Spot Check Inventory and ask yourself this — Are you apologizing for some true wrong that you have done? If so, go ahead.
Or are you apologizing for your own existence?
If you’re honest, you’ll quickly see which is which.
There you have it boys and girls… make no apologies for respecting yourself and your skills! Oh and if you totally <3 this post, I’d appreciate it if you’d share it. You can use those nifty share buttons right. over. yonder. <————– (pssstt.. floating to the left! YES! THERE!)